WOMEN I SECRETLY LOVE

BARBARA STEELE

The Beauty Queen of Bad British B Movies.

You've seen her.  She was in Fellini's 8½, Caged Heat, Piranha and The Winds of War, but I love her because she's been in tons of British and Italian Euro-horror, including movies by Hammer Studios and Mario Bava. It's an understatement to say that she was in some bad, stupid-bad movies.

The bad directors knew what they were doing. Barbara Steele is so dazzlingly beautiful you'll even watch REALLY slow movies just to see more of her. She's not a bad actress either.

KAREN ALLEN

Those eyes. Wow. I was in love with her the second I saw her in Animal House Then, she was in The Wanderers, then Indiana Jones, then she got all naked and sexy in Until September. She was great in Scrooged and The Sandlot too!

Karen Allen is one of those few women who are so attractive that instead of using words, you use noises and sighs to describe her.

She has aged very well and I suspect she has an insane amount of loyal groupies in their mid-40s.

Julie Newmar as Catwoman in the old Batman TV series. My God. The image of her in that slinky, slutty, skin tight black catsuit subversively stretched over her impossibly curvy frame white-magnesium burned itself into my soul when I was too young to even know why. I was still years from puberty and still I knew that SOMETHING was going on whenever I saw her.

As an added bonus, since every Batman episode was a 2-parter, you knew she'd catch Batman and Robin and put them into some outrageous and thinly disguised S & M device. I'm amazed that more of this twisted and yet overt sexuality was not censored in the age where most sitcom parents slept in separate beds, but Thank God it wasn't.

Now I could give you some long, Liberal Arts educated missive about how Catwoman was an early Feminist icon and how she empowered women.. blah blah blah. But the truth is Julie Newmar, with her black, high heel boots, sultry voice and more-curves-than-the-Sawmill-Parkway was an unusually attractive woman.

I met Julie Newmar when she was 69 and still very lovely, if not a little daffy. Maybe her unrequited love for Batman drove her off the deep end in a way that Zoloft and plastic surgery can't cure.  Still though, she is THE girl from the 60's and she kicks the pants off of Ginger from Gilligan's Island -- in both the looks and craziness department.

PAM ANDERSON

It doesn't matter that she's had plastic surgery or married Tommy Lee or that she changes her breast implants as often as NASCAR drivers change their tires during August. It doesn't matter if you think Pam is stupid, slutty or untalented. It just doesn't matter.

Pam Anderson is the 'All American Girl' from Canada. She's drop dead gorgeous in the classic, American style; she is luxury and excess.

Pam Anderson gives men everything we want and more than enough of it. She is the girl disliked by all of the other girls and adored by all of the men. If you mention to a woman that you find Pam Anderson attractive, she will probably wrinkle her nose at you and mutter something about how Nicole Kidman better represents true beauty. When this happens, let it go. Do not argue. Women just do not get it. Men cannot NOT be attracted to her. It's like she was genetically designed to stir something deep within men. She's like a dog whistle of sex.

We love her. She's funny, she's a great mom and she's gorgeous. In fact, Pam is so lovable even if she got rid of the boobs and plastic surgery we'd STILL love her. Although, let's not even bring up such nonsense.

She is a lot smarter than most people realize. I mean, if you rule out the whole Tommy Lee thing.

PAM GRIER

More than just the Queen of Blaxploitation, Pam Grier was one of the most naturally beautiful woman on the planet. And it wasn't JUST because of her naturally ample bosom, although, I must admit, I've always thought Pam Grier's chest should be displayed in the Lourve. I could probably devote an entire web site to her chestral region. Man, I mean they were perfecto! There were whole movies built around those things. You could stomach almost any movie if you knew you could look forward to Pam taking a shower or dressing up like a hooker.

Pam actually was a good actress in a string of forgettable and a few unforgettable B Movies throughout the 1970s. Some of her best work was in The Big Doll House, The Big Bird Cage, Black Mama-White Mama, Coffey, Foxy Brown, and the hard-to-find Hit Man with Bernie Casey where she plays a prostitute who gets eaten by a tiger!

Pam is still very busy today co starring in 'Above the Law', 'Mars Attacks!', Jackie Brown and The L Word.

Anitra Ford

Most people know her as one of the original 'Price is Right' models but I love her for her B Movies roles.

She only did 8 movies but 3 are among my favorites;  Big Bird Cage and Invasion of the B Girls and The Longest Yard with Burt Reynolds.

The Big Bird Cage (which also stars Pam Grier) is a Jack Hill 'Women-in-Prison' movie where over-the-top acting, goofy comedy and unnecessary nudity are the rule. Anitra plays a high society gal trying to break out of a Filipino Woman's Prison.  

The Invasion of the B Girls is a very silly and very sexy movie that succeeds because it doesn't take itself very seriously. It's a cute, erotic and scary little fairy tale from the 1970s.  In some ways it was an early Feminist film, but I'm sure it wasn't their intention because most Feminist movies don't have scenes where 5 topless women pour honey over a nude woman to turn her into a bee girl so she kill men with sex. (Yes, this is truly in the movie)

Anitra is one of the most exotic looking women ever to grace the screen. She was a long tall, slinky, leggy, long haired, Seventies sexpot. And she wasn't shy about nudity either.

For me, one of life's greatest pleasures is a very beautiful girl in a really silly, silly movie.